Non-binary names: how people choose one, with 127 ideas

A name is the piece of gender other people use on you most, so for many non-binary people it is the first thing they change. This is how people actually pick one, a long list of ideas sorted by how they feel rather than by letter, and what happens after you choose: trying it, telling people, and making it official. One thing first: any name is a non-binary name if a non-binary person has it. The list is ideas, not rules.

Why the name usually comes first

Pronouns get skipped. A name gets said out loud: at the doctor, on the coffee cup, in the first line of every email. It is the one piece of your gender that strangers handle every day, which is why so many non-binary people change the name before the clothes, the pronouns or any conversation about identity.

It is also the cheapest change there is. Nobody has to understand your gender to use a new name; they only have to remember it. So a name lets you be addressed correctly while everything else stays private, for as long as you want it to.

Two words you will meet. A birth name you no longer use is often called a deadname. And the request to use the new one is just that, a request: you are not asking permission, you are telling people what you are called now.

And a name does not have to sound neutral to be a non-binary name. Plenty of non-binary people keep a name that reads as masculine or feminine, because the name was never the problem. Keeping yours is a choice, not a failure to choose.

Five ways people actually choose

Ask people how they landed on their name and the answers fall into a handful of shapes. None is better than the others; they just start from different places.

• Keep the initial. Same first letter, so signatures, monograms and the way family say your name all keep working. Michael becomes Micah; Jennifer becomes Jem.
• Shorten what you have. Samantha to Sam, Alexander to Alex, Nicholas to Nico, Roberta to Robin. It reads as a nickname to the people who knew you before and as a name to everyone after.
• Take a neutral classic. Names that have sat on both sides of the register for decades: Jordan, Taylor, Casey, Morgan, Jamie. Nobody asks a follow-up question.
• Take a word. River, Wren, Ash, Sage. A word carries no gender and no family history, which is the appeal and also the risk: some people find a word name more visible than they wanted.
• Take a name from a language that is yours. Many names are masculine in one language and feminine in another, or neutral in their own: Andrea, Noor, Sasha, Jun. The one rule is that the language has to be yours in some real way. Borrowing a name from a culture you have no connection to lands badly, for the same reasons borrowing an identity does.

Unisex classics

Names that have been given to children of more than one sex for a long time, in English-speaking countries at least. The advantage is invisibility: nobody blinks.

• Alex — short for Alexander or Alexandra, and a whole name on its own
• Avery — two soft syllables with no register attached
• Bailey — a surname that became a first name for everyone
• Blake — one syllable, hard finish
• Cameron — Cam for short
• Casey — easy to say in any accent
• Charlie — Charlotte, Charles, or neither
• Dakota — a place name, so no gender to argue with
• Devon — another place name, soft ending
• Drew — one syllable that works as a full name
• Ellis — a surname sound, rare enough to feel chosen
• Emerson — Em for short
• Finley — Fin for short
• Frankie — Frances, Francis, or just Frankie
• Harley — goes with any pronouns
• Hayden — softer out loud than on paper
• Jamie — the classic nickname that became a name
• Jesse — one of the oldest neutral spellings
• Jordan — a river, a country, a name that asks nothing
• Kendall — two syllables, a surname sound
• Lee — one syllable; also a middle name for anything
• Logan — a surname sound with a strong start
• Morgan — Welsh, worn by everyone
• Parker — an occupational surname, now a first name
• Peyton — soft, two syllables
• Quinn — one syllable that ends on a hum
• Reese — one syllable, easy to spell
• Riley — bright, two syllables
• Robin — a bird and a name, no register
• Rory — Scottish and Irish, two syllables
• Sam — Samuel, Samantha, or neither: the safest shortening there is
• Skyler — Sky for short
• Spencer — a surname with some dignity to it
• Taylor — an occupational surname, neutral for decades
• Toby — Tobias or just Toby; warm and short

Nature and word names

The meaning is the name. These carry no gender at all, and no history with anyone who knew you before. They are also the most visible choice on this page: a word name tells people you chose it.

• Ash — the tree, and what a fire leaves; one syllable
• Bay — a tree, a colour, a stretch of coast
• Bear — big and warm, one syllable
• Birch — a pale tree, sharp finish
• Blaze — a fire, loud by design
• Cedar — a tree with a scent
• Clover — a plant, soft sound
• Ember — the last of a fire
• Fern — a plant; one soft syllable
• Flint — a stone that makes sparks
• Fox — one syllable, quick
• Indigo — the colour between blue and violet
• Juniper — a tree; June for short
• Lake — still water, one syllable
• Linden — a tree; soft start, soft end
• Moss — a plant; quiet, one syllable
• Nova — a star that flares
• Oak — one syllable, old
• Ocean — wide, two syllables
• Onyx — a black stone with an x at the end
• Phoenix — the bird that comes back
• Rain — weather, one syllable
• Raven — a dark bird, two syllables
• Reed — a plant by the water; also an old surname
• River — moving water; the best known word name on this list
• Rowan — a tree with red berries; two soft syllables
• Sage — the herb and the wise one, both
• Sky — one syllable, open
• Slate — a grey stone, flat and firm
• Sol — the sun, in Latin and in Spanish
• Sparrow — a small bird
• Star — one syllable, obvious on purpose
• Storm — weather, loud
• Wren — a small bird; one soft syllable
• Wolf — one syllable, hard

Short and soft

One or two syllables, light on gender, and most of them double as a shortening of something longer, which is useful if you want a door back to a name on your documents.

• Ari — Hebrew for lion; also short for longer names
• Avi — short and open
• Bo — one syllable
• Eli — soft, two syllables
• Ira — two syllables
• Isa — Isabel, Isaac, or neither
• Jem — Jemima, James, or just Jem
• Jo — Joseph, Joanna, or Jo
• Jules — Julian, Julia, or Jules
• Kai — one syllable; the sea, in Hawaiian
• Kit — Christopher, Katherine, or Kit
• Lex — Alexander, Alexis, or Lex
• Lin — one syllable
• Lou — Louis, Louise, or Lou
• Max — Maxwell, Maxine, or Max
• Mel — Melvin, Melanie, or Mel
• Micah — two soft syllables
• Nat — Nathan, Natalie, or Nat
• Nell — one soft syllable
• Nico — Nicholas, Nicole, or Nico
• Noa — two syllables, open ending
• Oli — Oliver, Olivia, or Oli
• Pip — Philip, Philippa, or Pip
• Rae — one syllable, light
• Remy — French; two syllables
• Rey — king, in Spanish
• Rin — one syllable, Japanese
• Tam — Tamsin, Thomas, or Tam
• Teo — Theodore, Theodora, or Teo
• Val — Valentine, Valerie, or Val
• Van — one syllable
• Wyn — Welsh, one syllable
• Zev — Hebrew for wolf
• Zee — the letter, the sound

Neutral across languages

The gender of these depends on where you are standing. Some are masculine in one language and feminine in the next; some are used for everyone in their own. If one of these languages is yours, the name comes with a built-in answer to the question nobody should be asking.

• Andrea — masculine in Italian, feminine in English, German and Spanish
• Nicola — masculine in Italian, feminine in English
• Simone — masculine in Italian, feminine in French and English
• Michele — masculine in Italian, feminine in English
• Luca — masculine in Italian, feminine in Hungarian
• Jean — masculine in French, feminine in English
• Joan — feminine in English, masculine in Catalan
• Camille — both, in French
• Claude — both, in French
• Dominique — both, in French
• Alix — both, in French
• Ange — both, in French
• Sasha — both, in Russian: a short form of Alexander and of Alexandra
• Noor — both, in Arabic; it means light
• Jun — both, in Japanese and in Chinese
• Ren — both, in Japanese
• Kim — both, in Korean and in English
• Ariel — masculine in Hebrew, both in English
• Lior — both, in Hebrew; my light
• Tal — both, in Hebrew; dew
• Noam — both, in Hebrew
• Ayo — both, in Yoruba; joy
• Jin — both, in Chinese

Try it before you commit

A name you like on paper can feel wrong the first time somebody calls it across a room. So test it where the stakes are nothing: the name on a coffee order, a game or forum handle, the signature on an email to a stranger. Say it out loud to yourself, including the surname, including the way your mother would say it when annoyed.

Then try it on one person who is good at this, and listen to yourself answer to it. The sign you are looking for is physical. The wrong name makes you flinch, or makes you slow to turn round. The right one makes you sit up.

Give it a month before you decide, and expect to go through two or three. Nobody keeps score. Changing a chosen name is not a sign you were wrong about yourself; it is a sign you were paying attention.

Making it official

Most people run two names for a while: the one everyone uses, and the one still on the documents. There is no deadline for closing the gap, and some people never do. If you want to, the route depends on where you live.

In England and Wales you can change your name yourself with a deed poll, which you can write and witness without a solicitor; the official guidance explains when you need the paid, enrolled version. In the United States a name change is a court order in your state, with a fee that varies and can sometimes be waived; the rules for then updating a driving licence, a passport and social security are different in every state, and a trans-rights organisation keeps them in one place. Elsewhere it is usually the civil registry or a court, and the practical advice is the same everywhere: keep every piece of paper, and update the bank and the employer first, because they are the ones who generate new documents in your name.

You do not need to change your legal gender to change your name, anywhere that we know of. The two are separate processes, and the name is almost always the easier one.

Telling people, and what to do when they slip

Short works best. One line, no essay, and the name in it: “I go by Rowan now. Same person, new name.” People take their cue from your tone; if you say it like a fact, they treat it like one.

Slips are normal for the first few weeks, and the most useful correction is one word: the name, then carry on. The people who matter get it in a month. The ones still refusing after a year are telling you something else, and it is not about the name.